Shame Cycle
How do you interrupt the Shame Cycle?
First, here’s how it works – you get tempted to do something wrong, think something negative, hold onto resentment, what have you. When you give into that temptation, that’s sin or bad/negative behavior. After you engage in the sinful/bad behavior, inevitably shame comes marching in, causing you to feel bad. Feeling bad leaves you vulnerable to the next temptation, making it easy to give in to that, leading to more sin/bad behaviors, MORE shame, and so on.
Temptation——sin/bad behavior—–SHAME——
Temptation——sin/bad behavior———-MORE SHAME———temptation——-and so on…………………….
Been there?
Me, too.
Here’s how you interrupt it – and this is the basis of my book – by confession. We hang on to our secret sources of shame because we believe that if anyone really knew that about us, they couldn’t possibly like us. So therefore, we hide.
God commands us to confess our sins to one another. We are to repent and ask for His forgiveness (which you already have if you’re a believer), but we are also commanded to confess to one another.
Why?
Because it only by choosing to courageously be vulnerable and share our deepest, shameful secrets with someone we trust that they can give us grace and free us of the lie of unworthiness. When they respond with acceptance and love instead of rejection, that defeats the lie of being unworthy.
That’s Part One. I’m currently writing the 2nd edition of my book, and this next part will be in it – Part Two of breaking the Shame Cycle.
Part Two is this – you must also forgive yourself, which is tied directly to the second of what Jesus said are the greatest commandments – to love your neighbor as yourself.
Think about that – to love someone else, you MUST love yourself. Not in a, hey look how much more awesome I am than you kind of prideful way, but more in a grateful, humble, I can’t believe God made me kind of way.
When I talk to people, they admit that they would never talk to someone they love in the way that they talk to themselves when they make a mistake. They immediately recognize that other people, spouses, friends, children all have inherent value, yet they struggle to believe that they have value. Isn’t that a bit contradictory?
Yes, it is.
To love yourself, you need to forgive yourself. For what was done to you, for what you’ve done, for every failure and mistake that continues to haunt you. Recognize your efforts to do better. Recognize your successes. In reality, you are much more successful on a daily basis than not. Focus on your wins and celebrate them. Learn from your losses and mistakes so that you can do better next time. Forgive yourself so that you can start to love yourself.
So, here’s the challenge for you – tell God thank you. Like this –
Thank you for making me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the reminder that I am not my mistakes, I am not defined by my past, and I am not defined by what someone else thinks of me. Thank you for declaring that my value is inherent, I am precious and I beloved by you. You gave me my eye color, my hair color, my funky sense of humor, and all the unique, cool things that make me, me. Thank you.
Second challenge – be kind to yourself.
Tell yourself something nice about yourself. Treat yourself to a walk in the park. Go look at the fall leaves. Drink some cool water or a hot coffee while sitting on the porch.
Slow down. Tell yourself that “have to” think really isn’t a have to and it can wait.
Roll the windows down and dance at the stoplight with everybody watching.
Take a bath. Listen to some calming music, or listen to something that makes you just have to dance. Laugh out loud.
Be silly.
Visit an animal shelter and hug some dogs. Smell some flowers.
Smile.
Breathe in deeply and slowly, hold it, and let it out.
You are worthy.
You are loved.
Now go act like it!
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