I’ve been thinking about the Shame Cycle recently as I’ve been writing the 2nd edition of my book, Shameless.
So many of us believe that our negative thoughts, memories or temptations belong to us. They are in our heads, they sound like our voice – but they are unwanted. Just like the sound of breaking glass at 3:00 a.m. is likely an intruder in your home, unwanted, negative thoughts or memories are intruders in your head. Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking, “I can’t wait to have a terrible day!”
Why do we have negative, unwanted, intrusive thoughts and temptations?? If you are a believe in Jesus, there is but one explanation – that it is the enemy throwing temptation your way. He wants you to think, believe or act in conflict with who you really are and against what you and God really want for you. If you aren’t a believer, defeating the toxic Shame Cycle still works the same way, as those thoughts are still intrusive and unwanted.
This is how the cycle works:
Temptation
\/
Sin/Mistake
\/
Shame
\/
Feeling bad/vulnerable – more temptation, wanting relief
\/
Sin/Mistake (believing the lie it will make you feel better)
\/
More Shame
…and so on, and so on, and so on. It’s like going for a hike on a mountain path with an empty backpack; every time you commit a sin or make a mistake, you pick up a rock and put it in the backpack. Every negative thought, bad word, bit of dishonesty, inappropriate act, mean behavior – another rock, another rock, another rock. If the cycle isn’t interrupted, pretty soon you’ll be face down on the trail, crushed under the weight of all your rocks.
How do you break the cycle? Confession and forgiveness. What this means is that two things need to happen – first, you need to share the source of your shame with someone you trust. By doing that, you can defeat the lies about your worth when they give you grace and understanding (which happens because we all deal with the same garbage, and we’re all afraid of being rejected). Second, after receiving grace from them, you must choose to forgive yourself.
Believing the lie that you have to be mad at or punish yourself for mistakes or sin just keeps you trapped. Punishing yourself doesn’t make it less likely you’ll repeat the same mistake – it actually makes it MORE likely! Forgiveness frees you, while shame keeps you trapped in the dark. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean it’s a free pass, no big deal, etc. It means letting go of anger at yourself and taking steps to heal and learn so that you don’t repeat those mistakes.
Think about YOUR backpack. How heavy is it? Is it crushing you? Do you need to dump out those rocks by sharing them with someone? If so, please take that step, and then forgive yourself.
Please let me know what you think, and consider liking and sharing this.
Thank you!
Shopping Cart