Have you been left, abandoned, rejected, or cheated on by someone you loved?
That is a ‘gut punch’ of shame – and creates the belief that you’re not enough.
If I was enough, they would have loved me.
If I was enough, they wouldn’t have left me.
If I was enough, they would have wanted to be with me.
This can be you as a child – if I was enough, my mom or dad wouldn’t have left, would have wanted me, would have loved me, would have fought for me.
This could be you as a partner or spouse – if I was enough, they would have…loved me, stayed, not cheated, wanted me.
I’ve helped many people who have been abandoned, cheated on, divorced and rejected. This causes Betrayal Trauma. It can lead to the trap of trying to change yourself because you blame yourself.
The shame is the constant lie that you’re not enough, and no amount of change will remove that. Only learning to accept your value as it is defined by God will do that. Only by loving yourself in a healthy way can you truly be available for a healthy, loving relationship.
Yes, we should learn from our mistakes and take responsibility for what we did or didn’t do. But, we should NOT take the blame. Blame helps no one. Blame doesn’t fix, it only hurts.
Taking responsibility can help you to pinpoint areas you need to change. Maybe you weren’t that great of a listener, maybe you were a little selfish, maybe you tended to focus on work too much, you took things too personally (like me), maybe you got too upset and pouted or threw tantrums rather than expressing your feelings with courage (any door slammers here?).
Sure, we’ve all been there. We’ve all acted in an ugly fashion. That doesn’t mean you’re not enough. That doesn’t mean you deserve to be cheated on, blamed for everything, rejected or abandoned. It does mean that if you identify these kinds of issues that it’s a good idea to get help.
The other side of these issues is hope – many couples have been able to come back from affairs, even divorce, and create what I call their “Marriage 2.0” after doing the hard work of healing and learning healthy communication. Some couples even remarry after divorcing.
It’s possible. I’ve been the failure before. I’m so blessed that my wife and I have been doing the work of loving each other since we met in the year 2000.
What about you? Have you overcome failure?
What’s your story? Are you listening to the lie that you’re not enough?